102 Mikes Madonna StoryCarol: She's definitely a Wendy.Jason: Uh uh, he's clearly a Sam.Carol: Dad I think I know my own friend; she's a Wendy.Jason: Carol I went to medical school ok? So I think I can settle this...that's a Wendy.Maggie: What are you two doing?Carol: Oh it's an experiment I've been talking to Wendy here and giving what's its name silenttreatment and we will see which one grows faster.Jason: And the winner becomes tonight's salad.Carol: Dad!Ben: It's a girl here for Mike.Maggie: Ben did you just leave her standing outside?Ben: She's a girl mum what would you want me to do? Let her in?Jason: Sounds like you have some pretty strong feelings about girls...Ben: Ah no I just don't like 'em.Maggie: Well Ben when a friend comes to the door you should let them....in.Why Hello.Lisa: Hi.Is Mike home?Maggie: Possibly...quite possibly. Let me check.Jason: Maggie.Maggie: Oh.Please come in.Lisa: Thanks.Maggie: Uh would you like to have a seat?I'm Maggie, Mike's mother. This is Jason. Ben. Carol. And you are?Lisa: Lisa. I'm Mike's...like friendJason: You've got to forgive him he doesn't like girls.Lisa: Well I actually like. Don't consider myself a girl, I consider myself a woman.Maggie: And rightly so I'm sure. I'll call Mike: Mike. Oh I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be here.Jason: I guess he doesn't like girls either.Lisa: Aha we'll see about that.Jason: So Lisa. Dip? No.Mike: Hey hey Lisa what a surprise.Lisa: I was just in the neighborhood breaking up with my old boyfriend.Mike: Oh yeah!Lisa: Yeah. He was just too immature.Maggie: Was he younger than you?Lisa: No he was 27.Mike: What an amazing coincidence 'cos I was just up on the phone to break up with my oldgirlfriend; She was 43.Carol: Yeah dog years maybe.Mike: Uh you guys haven't seen uncle Steven in a while why don't you take a walk by his place.Jason: Mike your uncle Steve's in Connecticut.Mike: So?Jason: And he's dead.Mike: Shouldn't you guys go have a snack.Jason: Right. ok...alright come on you guys. Lisa very nice to meet you.Lisa: You too.Jason: Come on.Lisa: See you Maggie. You don't mind if I call you Maggie do you?Maggie: Naah.Carol: God dad can you believe the top that girl's wearing?Jason: I didn't notice.Carol: Oh come on dad she might as well have had no shirt on at all.Jason: Yeah well all things considered I'm glad she didn't choose to go that route.Ben: Me too. Err.Maggie: Carol why don't you take Ben and go outside.Carol: Why?Maggie: Because I need to talk to your father.Carol: About Mike's friend with the major league yabbas.Maggie: Out both of you.Carol: What are we supposed to do outside?Maggie: I don't care talk to the lawn.Jason: No it needs mowing as it is.Jason: Did you see the top that girl was wearing?Maggie: Jason she's a tramp.Jason: Oh come on Maggie.. now I mean I admit she doesn't dress with a lot of...Maggie: Clothing.Jason: Taste. But we don't know anything about the girl.Maggie: Jason she was going out with a 27 year old.Jason: Oh that makes her a tramp. Maybe they shared the same interests.Maggie: That makes her tramp.Jason: Maggie.Maggie: Jason she doesn't even giggle the way a fifteen year old's supposed to giggle.Jason: Wow I'll call the national guard.Maggie: You know what I mean; when a fifteen year old girl comes to my door asking for myson she should feel awkward and uncomfortable; but with this girl I feel awkward and uncomfortable.Jason: See, she giggles.Maggie: Sorry, my mistake.Mike: So...ah do you think you guys could err, leave?Maggie: Why?Mike: So we can have some juice.You mean you can't have juice with us in the room.Fine, fine, but I don't know why you guys bought a house with nine rooms if you're not gonna use them.Jason: Subtle Mike.Lisa: So anyway when I told Ed I was breaking up with him he like cried: So pathetic!Mike: Yeah that is pathetic. I like never cry.Mike: Well once when a car ran over my foot on the highway.Lisa: You're like so cute Mike.Mike: Uh..what can I say yeah I'm cute, I'm damn cute.Lisa: Plus Ed was like super possessive I mean he like got upset because i went camping withPhil Crawley, who's like just a friend basically.Maggie: Basically?Mike: Mum!Maggie: I'm sorry. Lisa, so how did you parents feel about you going out with a 27 year old?Lisa: Oh like my mother she was bummed.Maggie: Really?Lisa: Well I think she wanted to go out with him.Maggie: Well I take it you parents are no longer together then.Lisa: What makes you say that?Maggie: Nothing. Never mind.Lisa: So like anyway Mike you wanna do something tonight?Mike: Uh well I did just end a very special relationship but I think I’ve moped around aboutthat long enough.Maggie: Ah ah Mike don't forget that your father and I are going out with the cusman's tonight and you have to baby-sit ben and carolMike: Can't we get a sitter?Maggie: On this short notice, not one without an axe.Mike: So. Rent kill are quick on their feet.Jason: Mike!Mike: Ok ok.Lisa: Hey Mike maybe I could like come over here tonight.Mike: Yeah that'd be....Maggie: Probably a very boring way for Lisa to spend the Saturday night....Lisa: No won't be boring Maggie. I just love babysitting.Maggie: Aha.Mike: What a woman hah mum?Maggie: You bet ya.Ben: You are the ugliest plant alive. Carol told me privately that she hates you.Maggie: Ben what are you doing?Ben: Uh uh nothing mum.Jason: Ok, all set.Maggie: So did you talk to him?Jason: Yeah.Maggie: Well what did you say?Jason: Well pretty much what you and I discussed.Maggie: like what, specifically.Jason: Well you know it's one of those father-son talks.Maggie: Aha forgive me Jason I have never had one of those father-son talks. What did yousay?Jason: Ah well that's where I say"ah how are you doing son?", he says"pretty good dad", Isay"is that wax in your hair, or wet look gel?"...Maggie: Jason get to the good part.Jason: Honey I just told him that in general that I think it's better to start slowly with theRelationship, to get to know somebody, to get a...Maggie: Medical report.Jason: That too yep.Maggie: So well what do you think they'll do tonight?Jason: Well they'll probably watch TV.Maggie: Ah Jason what if they don't watch TV. I mean he's only 15 he's too young to not watchtv.Jason: Well if two teenagers kids want to get together and not watch tv they gonna find a wayto do it.Maggie: I'm tired let's stay home.Jason: Maggie.Maggie: I want to watch"The loveboat".Jason: Bob and Ellan are picking us up in three minutes.Maggie: Are you sure we shouldn't stay home?Jason: You know what you have to remember is that no matter where we are there's alwaysthat little voice inside Mike's head saying"Mike this is your mother speaking"and that's when Mike says"mum, what are you doing here?" And the little voice says"I justwant to remind you of it I love you and I always love you even if you break my heart by touching that girl somewhereMaggie: Ok ok ok so you are saying I've already saddled him with enough guilt to cripple him for a life.Jason: No no I'm just I'm saying that he knows our values and he knows that we care abouthim and I know that he will consider that any time he makes one of life's big decisions."Maggie: I hope you're right.Jason we're not leaving this house.Jason: Maggie the Cusmans are here let's just go.Maggie: To hell with the Cusmans.Bob: Come on guys let's goJason: Do you want to go out there and tell Bob and Ellan that we can't leave our house because there's a girl in it?Maggie: Why not? Would you leave Carol in there with a boy who just looks like a fellow off an x-rated wedding cake. This is a double standardBob: Nobody said life was fair Maggie, let's go.Jason: Honey I know what you are feeling but we should not try to make this decision for Mike and no matter what happens he's gonna live through it.Maggie: That's comforting.Bob: It's ok, I saw her walk up. At least he'll die happy.Maggie: I hate the Cusmans.Film: You know how long I've waited for this, for the opportunity to do this this is an incredible opportunity for me to do I've always... shut up and hold me!My god you have so many places to hold!Just pick one.Maggie: This movie happens to be very dull.Jason: Maggie mike's gonna be just fine.Maggie: There's no story, no character, just a lot of gratuitous sex, for it to boost ticket sales.Film viewer: We know, sit down.Jason: Maggie.Maggie: How are theatre owners gonna know how we feel about this garbage if we just sit through it.Film viewers: Or stand through it in your case.Maggie: Oh can it will you.Jason: Maggie let's just watch the movie ok.Film veiwer: People like you should stay home and watch the Love boat.Mike: Well uh this is the guest room that about raps up the tour of the house. let's go back downstairs and we can watch TV or somethingLisa: Stay here. It's like nice.Mike: Here? uh what will we do here? I mean the TV downstairs much more....Lisa: Any idea about what you're doing to me?Mike: ah well you know I was just trying to make my top lip match up roughly with you your...Lisa: I mean inside.Mike: Oh inside ah...well you know ah, I find it's always so hard to say with someone elsefeels inside, and ah my dad who is a psychiatrist he says that ah no to people necessarily have to feel the exact same inside and...Lisa: I feel all steamy and tingly.Mike: Ah I don't specifically remember he mentioning steamy and tingly, I'll, er, have to askhim about that. oh ha how about that study's test last Friday.Lisa: Mike I just've got like a funny idea.Mike: Fu...funnier than this?Lisa: No I mean it just occurred to me this is gonna be the first time you've like done it.Mike: Ahahah Lisa Lisa Lisa Lisa hahahahah no no no I'm sorry life just solo rips?. No I'm nota virgin Lisa, no not this cowboy.Lisa: That's a relief 'cos believe it or not, there are guys out there our age who've never doneit.Mike: Yeah, rejects and nerds.Lisa: Really? So... where were we...Mike: Uh I'm not sure...now I remember.Carol: Did.Ben: Did not.Carol: Did too.Ben: Did not.Carol: I know you did something to her.Ben: Did not.Carol: Ben why don't you just admit you killed Wendy and then I'll kill you and we'll both feela lot better about the whole thing???Ben: No.Carol: You're a killer and you know it.Jason: Hey wait hold it, both of you neutral corners.Carol: Dad the plant I was talking to is dead.Jason: Well that does not bode well for the rest of the family does it?Carol: Dad Ben killed Wendy.Ben: I did not. Stop saying that.Jason: Now Ben your sister's not just one to make these things up. You look at me squarelyin the eye and you tell me the truth, and not another word will be said about it. Ok?Jason: Ben did you kill Wendy?Ben: No.Jason: Ok.Ben: Not exactly.Carol: Uha!Ben: I..I..I...said a mean thing to her and a leaf fell off but I tried to save her I swear I tried to save her. How exactly did you try to save her Ben?Ben: How do you think plant stuff?Carol: Oh oh my god ben did you put the whole bottle on my plant?Ben: See I told you I tried to save her.Jason: Mix one capful of"mighty plant stuff" with 8 gallons of water.Ben: What does that mean?Jason: Five to ten in the green house.Maggie: Kids where's your brother?Carol: Oh you mean Mr. Testoste rone, I think he's in the kitchen.Maggie: Hey mike.Mike: Mum.Maggie: Where's Lisa?Mike: How should I know.Maggie: Well did you two uh have a good time together?Mike: Sure.Maggie: Oh what did you do?Mike: We hung out.Maggie: Did you ah watch any TV?Mike: No.Maggie: Oh what's that are you reading?Mike:"wind surfer".Maggie: Good issue?Mike: Not that different from the last eleven issues.Maggie: Are you feeling ok?Mike: Yeah great.Maggie: Good.Maggie: So Lisa seems like a very interesting girl.Mike: Yeah. What's that mean?Maggie: What's what mean?Mike: I said she seems like an interesting girl then you said yeah what does that mean?Guess I just mean she's a interesting girl.Maggie: So did you guys play any uh ball games?Mike: Nothing happened ok mum. She wanted to sleep with me but I didn't do it. I'm probablygay are you happy now?Maggie: Mike!Mike: What?Maggie: I'm pretty sure you are not gay.Mike: Ah I guess that was a long shot, heh?Maggie: You know Mike there's nothing wrong with you choosing not to sleep with somebody.I mean you can even wait for someone you love. People do it all the timeMike: Come on mum it sounds like I did some big noble thing here; I just wimped out.Maggie: Ok ok so you wimped out, but think about it for a minute what did you really wimp out of? Let me rephrase that: Do you care about Lisa, I mean do you care about what she feels or thinks or if she's happy or sad.. Do you really care about what happens to her?Mike: Well I wouldn't want to see her get hit by a truck.Maggie: And do you think she cares about you?Mike: Yeah in the same kind of way.Maggie: So you wimped out of sharing something very special with someone who...well whose face you wouldn't want to see on the grill of an 18 wheeler.Mike: Yeah I guess I see what you mean. But Lisa...there was something about her mum, she's got....Maggie: Major league yabbos.Mike: Well in a nutshell, yeah.Maggie: Oh Lisa is a great looking girl Mike but there are other great looking girls out there who also happen to be warm, caring people.Mike: Really?Maggie: And you're gonna find one, and when the right girl and the right time comes along I think you'll be feeling anything but wimpy.Mike: Yeah maybe you're right.Maggie: And you'll be a little scared at first, but trust me you'll find a way to overcome it; your father did ?Mike: Dad. Oh so I guess you are saying that he waited for the right girl..Maggie: I guess you could say that. I met her, she was very nice.Jason: Hey are you ok?Mike: Yeah fine dad really.Jason: ok mike sleep tight huh.